Finding My Bio Family, a Waiting Game

I have already built a pretty good first-stab family tree for the family of Bio Mom Candidate. I just have not attached it to my entry in this tree yet, until I get some sort of confirmation. I have nothing so far on my birth father, but am hoping my DNA results can help with that.

After the whirlwind of discoveries a couple weeks ago identifying my original birth name, my biological parents’ surnames, and who the Search Angels and I think is my most likely Bio Mom Candidate (as well as the names of her sisters and parents), I have hit a stalemate.

And as my husband, parents, siblings, extended family, and close friends can tell you… I am not a remotely patient person.

My atDNA Being Processed

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that part of my strategy to identify my birth family is through analysis of my own autosomal DNA. AncestryDNA just started processing my test results on March 18th, so at best, they will be done by late April. Needless to say, I log in multiple times every day checking progress.

AncestryDNA, processing my autosomal test results.

Making Contact via Facebook Messenger

The afternoon of Tuesday, March 26th, I sent what felt like the oddest message I have ever crafted. I contacted my Bio Mom Candidate.

Contact was initiated via Facebook Messenger — paying the $1.00 fee for messages, if you’re not Facebook Friends, to go into the recipient’s Inbox, instead of their Other folder. The message identified my name, my date and place of birth, the details known about my adoption, and the recent discovery of my birth parents’ surnames. I apologized for the abruptness of the message, but came right out asking if she was my birth mom (really no sense beating around the bush). I explained that I simply hoped for some type of confirmation, but (if true, and she wanted it) I would welcome further conversation. I stressed that I wanted to reassure her that the baby girl she gave up for adoption was and is loved by a wonderful family. I also offered forth another apology, in case my message was upsetting in any way.

Facebook Messenger confirming that Bio Mom Candidate saw my message.

Being my typical impatient self, and since it doesn’t look like Bio Mom Candidate is very active on Facebook, I waited three days before sending additional $1.00 Facebook Messages to the sisters who use Facebook. I thought it likely that the sisters already knew about the pregnancy and adoption, having shared the same home with her. Both my husband and my real mom agreed this was likely, and was worth pursuing without violating a secret.

I assured all of these ladies that I would never initiate contact with Bio Mom Candidate’s daughters. That is not my place, especially if it turns out this woman is indeed my birth mother, and her daughters don’t know about their mom’s earlier pregnancy.

Two sisters responded back that same night. Out of respect for their privacy (note that I have not included any actual names, other than my bio parents’ surnames), I won’t share details of our correspondence. Except to say no confirmation about anything has been provided to me.

Friday, while cleaning through my Facebook messages, I noticed that Bio Mom Candidate finally read (or at least opened) my message at 1:03pm (thank you, Facebook, for ratting out this kind of info!). So far, no reply back.

No doubt, I have dealt a big shock to this family of sisters. I have very mixed feelings about this. I would not want to hurt or upset someone intentionally. But, I do want to know. Even if it is “yes, but I’d rather not have further contact.” Although…I’d really like it if she would disclose my birth father’s full name.

Mom and I both agree that if no further contact comes from the family, I need to let this go. Birth Mom Candidate and her sisters know how to reach me.